The very basic question which always keeps me perplexed is a very trivial one, am I a good person or bad? Non-sense, pseudo-philosophical, impractical, one might say, but the question never ceases to linger in my mind. And I am not an aberration in searching for an answer. A lot of people have done a lot of thinking in the past. The closest I have come to an understanding is Paulo Coelho’s ‘The Devil and Miss Prym’ , which describes a situation in which the residents of a small village find their belief in their ‘human nature’ challenged when confronted with greed and dreams. Inspiring work, it is. But still, my doubts are about myself, my inner self.
A conclusion which I have arrived is that rarely someone is bad purposely. That might sound a very utopian statement, but it just means that everyone is justified in their actions, atleast for themselves. They have their own logics, own sense, own moralities according to which they’re doing the right thing and others who call them words are the one with a faulty thought process. Nobody must be this grave, who realizes that he/she is doing the thing which is wrong, but still go ahead. Even the ones facing the most contempt, the murderers, killers etc , they also sure have their reasons, though they might not go well with the most people. So that implies it all depends on one’s thoughts. Whether the person is regarded as good or bad by the majority of humanity is actually whether he is right or wrong in his thought processes. So essentially isn’t it a mistake instead of a sin? Some cases when we are wrong knowingly are the harmless ones viz. when one must study, despite knowing the logistics behind it, one likes to play or watch t.v. , like eating things which we know are not good for our health and others, but these are primarily concerned with our own well being, not others.
Coming back to myself, I have probably the worst regard for myself. It really amazes me how people make choices so easily. That is the toughest task for me. infact I feel sometimes I am divided into 2 parts-the one I should be and the one I am. To speak in crude terms, my brain-the logics, reasons, my sanity; and the other is my heart, my desires, my instincts, my demands. Whenever I am at a cross road, and I mean every single time, both of my parts take me poles apart. It is really as if there are 2 voices talking in my head(as we see in some animations, an angel and a devil form of oneself) and as mentioned before, both seem justified to me. hence the difficulty in decision. People say you should do what you want. But then how am I supposed to know what I want? In every situation like this, I always see the pros and cons in both the options and whenever I decide to go for one, the other starts appearing more lucrative. Though over the years I have started to choose either of the options and then later trying hard to suppress the feelings of regret and what if …!! Still have to learn to master it though.
Another critical situation is when I have to control my feelings. Many a times I have feelings which I know i shouldn’t have. Sometimes when I am supposed to feel happy for some person, I don’t. Sometimes when I am supposed to feel compassion for a person, I don’t. When I am supposed to feel gratitude for a person and like him/her, often I don’t. The worse instances however are those of negative feelings. Those are sometimes when I know I am being wrong, and I try to suppress the feeling and to act the opposite, but then I have never been a good actor. Jealousy, anger, contempt, ill wishing these are the emotions which howsoever I might try to avoid, creep in me. In this situation also the two me’s are at opposition, though here I know which one is on the wrong side. Still convincing myself to act good takes a lot of effort and probably it shows. So what do I do? I am completely aware of the situation, I know how am I supposed to act, how should I act, but then there is this constant nagging inside me which just forces me for the opposite. Simultaneously it also makes me feel guilty for being a bad person. So I know how should I act, I want to act that way, but it just doesn’t come naturally. So does that make me a bad person?
But the worse part of all this is inactivity. There are times, often enough, when I am just plain inactive. And that’s one situation where I know I am wrong, I am not doing the right thing, bit I can’t help it. You might say this is just being pure lazy. But I really want to do the right thing, want to study, want to do something constructive, but then my mind just doesn’t accepts it. As soon as I start the work, it starts driving me crazy, with thoughts storming into my mind like never before. It gets crazy. I shake them off, remembering that I have got work to do, but then again after a few minutes they’re back. In this way a lot of time goes away in this fight between me and my thoughts. And ultimately it is me who is at the loss. I realize it. I know it is my fault. I try to repair it. But I simply can’t. So does that make me an inactive, lazy bug? Am I guilty of ruining the hopes people, especially my parents have associated with me? Maybe, I am. And that precisely, adds to my woes. I don’t just realize what I’ve to do…what I want from life?
All I know about myself is, I love my parents. I really do. I always want to do things to make them happy. Also, I know of some things which make me happy. Though most of them are shallow like some nice food, a new movie at a multiplex, a latest novel, being with people(friends) who care for me, ask for me, etc…, in short , mostly material things. Another happiness inducing factor for me is writing. It really makes me happy when I finish some good writing or get praises for it. Except for these, most of the time I can’t claim that I am happy or even content. There is always one or the other worry nagging me incessantly. There this feeling of coldness, a kind of sinking feeling somewhere around my heart. It really is something existential, not just a thought. Even when I apply all my logic and see no reason to worry, the feeling does not vanish and I am left whimpering. So much so, that now I’ve almost accepted it as generic, something a part of my existence, like breathing. But sometimes, when it increases, it makes me question and think about my life!
So I was talking about me being good or bad. And as applicable to others, so it is for me that I think I’d be categorized as right or wrong rather than good or bad. And I am almost convinced that I am to a large extent a wrong person. My thought process is at complete fault. But then God knows that I never want to cause pain or suffering to other. Though there is a strong desire sometimes (the I am part) but I try my best to restrain myself,(the I should be part) and mostly succeed. But then life is not all about others. I am doing the most wrong to myself. And I have no clue what to do about this.