Blurts

This year 2010 , has been a marked one for me, though not necessarily in bright colors. An year that has caused, and may further cause, a significant change in my life. An year that erased as many doubts and suspicions as it raised. The first couple of months were.. or are still a mystery to me. That feeling which I never understood..or did not try to understand..did not want to understand. I doubt if that was it. But it was something new, which I had never experienced before, the longevity, the constant restlessness until I saw that face, the wait and a lot. I was afraid to be ruined. Feared that it destroy me, my positivity. Sad of thinking the consequences if it did’nt work out. I doubted myself and still I do, if I was just flowing with the wind in order to have a someone, or was it the true feeling. I don’t know. And I guess I never will. But I couldn’t control myself. Though I don’t think I could have, or for that matter, I should have. And I did that, confessed my feelings.

The denial didn’t shook me, to be honest. The rejection did not break me. I thought I would move on, as if nothing happened.

How wrong was I! how foolish was I ! It never left me. How inaccurate was I in judging myself so strong.

Like the darkness of night, the sinking feeling in my heart grew and engulfed the twilight of my desires and happiness. To be honest, I was not sure what was happening and why. It was just that I could not focus on anything. I doubt to date whether my lost focus was due to my condition, or the condition was due to my loss of focus. But it did make me sad for days and even brought tears to my eyes. And as my friend had predicted, if it does not go well, it might end up disabling me.  I feel guilty, but not because of what I did, it’s just that some things are to be done. If you don’t, you regret them forever. I feel guilty for subjecting my other constituents of life to all this. But I guess there were bound to be some… Pyaar Ke Side Effects.

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